More than Friends

To Be or Not to Be: More Than Friends?
by Daniel Snow


One of the most difficult decisions you could ever make is the one that moves a solid friendship onto the unstable foothold offered in a dating relationship. Before I even get into ways to approach a friend you have romantic interest in, let's talk about the- Risks vs. benefits

Keeping your friend - Your friend is someone you can talk to freely, spend time with enjoyably, and someone who isn't likely to walk out of your life in a heartbeat.

Losing your friend - Most relationships in your life will come to pass. It's a hard, cold fact that makes the decision of dating a friend very difficult.

Understand the risks - You are considering the option of sacrificing your friendship for something more - something closer. You could lose your friend forever.

Realize the potential - Relationships are strongest when bound together on the foundation of friendship. You already know and are comfortable with each other, so getting closer isn't such a mind game. Most importantly, if you have a solid friendship, you respect each other. I think respect is the missing element in dating in the 90's.


Applying for the job - Now what? You've made the decision to move forward, take the risks in stride, and go for the gold! How do you do it with the least risk of losing a friend? I'm going to offer several suggestions for ways in which you might "reframe" your friendship to grow into something more.

The Direct Method - This is my favorite, and simply means coming out and telling your friend how you feel. It's important to leave the door to your current friendship open. "My feelings for you are changing. I value our friendship, and I can remain a good friend to you if that's all you want. You don't have to say anything now, but I wanted to tell you how I feel." It is important to be prepared for the possibility that your feelings are not going to be returned. Your friend may want to remain your friend.

The Mildly Indirect Method - As a red rose symbolizes love, and a yellow rose symbolizes friendship, get one of each and either deliver them in person or someplace where they'll be found; i.e.: Stick some in his gym bag, send them to her school/class, put them in his mailbox, or tuck them under her windshield wipers. Make sure the note you leave is friendly, not sultry. Keep it light and simple, with a touch of something more.

The Grossly Direct Method - This is definitely a Daniel Snow creation. I was searching for a way to just come right out and make it clear without having to risk a face-to-face stuttering session, so I went and bought a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. Remember the commercial where the woman sang anticipation while waiting on the ketchup to come out of the bottle? Leave the bottle with a note saying something to the effect of: "In Anticipation of being more than just a friend... " I know the friend I tried it on was impressed. I dated her for 6 months..... :)

Whatever you decide, keep a few things in mind when dating your friend:
Don't lose/give up the respect factor. ALWAYS respect your friend, even as a date.
Keep things slow and simple. Don't rush right into a physical relationship. Grow closer. Let love develop - it DOES develop, just not overnight. Don't do anything you are going to regret.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS acknowledge the friendship as something that still exists. Your friendship did not end, it was built upon. Someday that building might collapse in the wake of an earthquake, so make sure you don't neglect the foundation - perhaps it will not have crumbled.